My shadow-self crying to be heard!

Fear of replaying the past in relationships is what felt so normal for me. The fear of me getting so close again and being abandoned once again.

The fear of not experiencing that higher spiritual love in the 3D world in this life or the 5D world of where I am now. The voices in my head just got louder, the more spiritual work that I did. I kept opening myself up more and more.....for what?

I did not post this for years...

I left it in the journal in the closet.

I feel like I have been blessed and cursed at the same time with the ability to see beyond this world and see into the cosmic underworlds, heavens, and piles of earth and clear energy with you, me, and the planet! If you are doing your spiritual work, then you know what I am talking about! If you're not...stay with me, please.

I wanted a family, a divine partner who was like-minded, spiritual, and set, stable, and ready. I had all these expectations, and more. He needed to be conscious, is what I told myself, but was I conscious? Was I the version of myself that was going to attract this awakened man? Was I, this feminine who was grounded and emotionally intelligent and feeling safe enough to stay in my feminine energy? No. I was not at the time. To be honest, I was soul sick, emotionally exhausted and moving through deep embalances while downloading all these codes through my physical body at the time.

I was doing some heavy lifting and some heavy spiritual lifting.

No blame here, but I took on a lot of my mother's lineage's fears, programming, and beliefs. I stacked it like a spiritual sandwich. I also stacked beliefs and programming from my father's lineage, which was somehow even deeper. I am speaking of Generation trauma, and it is genuine. I felt that many of his/her insecurities were entangled within me and my soul's energy, DNA, and Genetic Body. Literally.

It felt emotionally heavy, and of course, it did. It was in my DNA strands and genetic body, as well as other layers of my body, ruminating and percolating.

A lot of conditioning, programming, and 7 generations of anger, injustices, and terror. I know this was a pivotal point in my life, where I was meant to undertake deep ancestral work. I was so resistant to what I would find. The real work is what I was afraid of.

Who would I become? Who would I need to embody to have the life that I wanted?

Meaning face things spiritually, emotionally, and mentally that my ancestors were too afraid to face. The terror, hurt, fears associated with money, fears of speaking up, impatience, and so many more! You get the drift. Just take a look at where you see yourself here with your own story.

I am not a victim here- I am growing from this, I used to tell myself. But was I? Or was just addicted to so much spiritual work and groups that I forgot to pause, process and integrate.

My whole life I was afraid and in terror. I was terrified that I would attract someone like my dad (not that he wasn't a good man), so I consciously thought I was attracting different men, but the reality was that they were all the same energetically. Every man was different, more feminine, deeply angry/bitter , wearing many masks, and not doing their deep work. Jealousy ran through their veins, and they were fearful of loss, full of guilt, and never healed from past relationships. I realized they were a mirror of my inner masculine energy. I thought I was, wearing many masks, to myself, Why didn't anyone share this or catch this?"

AND did I have more work to do on myself?

I was fearful of expressing myself, my art, and my spiritual, goddess-like side of magic.

The struggle is over now..... (This was back 2019/2020).

My higher self is leading me and my spirit saying, "I know we have some big karma cleansing to do darling with some of these men, but you are almost there. Please stay with me is all I kept hearing from my soul."

There’s one that is special...he is willing, but he is not ready just yet. It’s exciting, actually.... to see the woman you are today and how you have taken your pain and transformed it into feminine power. You have arrived. Just a little more to go!

You have embodied the spiritual teacher, lover, friend, guide, spiritual leader, healer, sister, and priestess. A woman who is not afraid to stand in her power. A woman who is worthy and ready. A woman who is going to change the world by shining her light and teaching spiritual power to others. I am telling you I would think I was crazy at times!

You have emerged from the darkest of the dark moving deep generational trauma from your family and transmuting dark energies from the planet for the last 18 years! You have been doing the shadow work and working with the council of light and channeling the key codes for humanity! Give yourself a break, will you please?"

I kept thinking, "What did I sign up for?"

Imposter Syndrome was strong.

I was also still working as an Executive Director in Eldercare Homes at the time. All I could think is ..."What if they see me now, what will they think?"

"Light the way my dear and never dim your flame. You will teach them someday, I would hear."

The right one will be attracted to the flame and will want to honor you, be intrigued by you and feel the flame with you....just a little longer.

The soul tribe community will come together.

You will create it.

Stay on the path. Know that you are never alone.

You will attract new friends.

You will accept and embrace the gifts and soul path you have chosen.

You will rewire your mind and help others do the same.

You will move soon and attract a soul alignment with a man and manifest everything on this new board.

December 2024- PureMagic.

It's all happening now. Every darn thing! I manifested all of this and you can too. I am living proof and living a life I never thought I would. You can have it all too.

Want to learn how to listen and stay energetically aligned to have everything?

I am here to say it is possible! Do the work and go to the root. Stop the surface work and storytelling!

Unleash the real life waiting for you.

I will see you soon!

Lots of love,

Joann

Grab a Clarity Call with Joann on my website and lets connect:

www.theintegrativeconsciousvibe.com